Do either of these scenarios sounds familiar to you?
Scenario 1: You're looking for a new job and you find a position that fits what you want to to do, the salary is within the range you set for yourself, and the location is in the area with the least amount of time. Then, you read the qualifications and/or requirements and immediately feel discouraged.
Scenario 2: You have been at your new job position for a few weeks/months and things are working well in you favor. You make a minor mistake, get reprimanded and apologize, and you start having doubts of whether you're the right person for the position.
Scenario 3: You're been dating a potential suitor for a few weeks, and things are going good until you identifying patterns you've experienced in your previous relationship. You start second guessing whether to move forward, and begin writing a message letting them know that things aren't working out the way you expected them to be.
If they do, know that you are not alone. I have experienced these myself - and it has altered my way of doing things.
This is called self-sabotage. This behavior can quietly derail your goals, disrupt your peace of mind, and leave you stuck in a cycle of frustration.
Self-sabotage refers to thoughts, behaviors, or actions that hold you back from achieving your goals or living the life you want. It’s like pressing the gas and brake pedals at the same time: despite wanting to move forward, something inside is keeping you stuck.
To help identify self sabotage within yourself or others, here are the common signs to look for:
- Procrastination: Delaying tasks even when you know they are important.
- Negative self-talk: Thoughts like "I’m not good enough" or "I always mess things up."
- Perfectionism: Setting unrealistic standards and giving up when they aren't met.
- Avoiding responsibility: Blaming others or circumstances for your challenges.
- Overindulgence: Engaging in behaviors like overeating or overspending to escape.
- Starting but not finishing: Projects, relationships, or commitments that are abandoned halfway.
Self-sabotage often stems from deeply rooted fears or beliefs. These may encompass the fear of failure (or success), low self-worth or self-esteem, unresolved trauma or childhood conditioning, fear of change or discomfort, and the belief that one is not deserving of happiness or success. These patterns often operate unconsciously, rooted in a desire to stay safe or within a familiar comfort zone.
I experienced self-sabotage professionally by fearing that I wasn't going to do well based on my experiences with previous employers. Romantically, I was mentally telling myself that I am not enough to my potential suitor, despite the reassurance because of past loves. Personally, I would mentally tell myself that I am not doing better than I should based on past conversations I've had with family.
To be honest, it sucks to experience self sabotage because I know that I am capable to being the best version of myself despite what my self conscience tells me.
Now that we identified what self sabotage is and how to identify it, we can now treat and overcome self sabotage.
- Start by observing your behaviors and recognizing when and how you tend to self-sabotage. Journaling is a powerful tool for uncovering patterns.
- Ask yourself where these beliefs came from and whether they're true. Techniques like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or inner child healing can be especially effective here.
- Speak to yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a friend. Replacing self-criticism with understanding helps reduce the inner conflict that fuels sabotage.
- Break larger goals into small, manageable steps. This reduces overwhelm and creates a sense of achievement that builds momentum.
- Performing practices like meditation, breathwork, and grounding exercises can help you become more aware of self-sabotaging thoughts and choose healthier responses.
- Therapists, life coaches, or support groups can help uncover root causes and build new, empowering behaviors.
Self-sabotage doesn’t mean you're broken or doomed to repeat the past. It simply means there are inner parts of you that need attention, compassion, and healing. By bringing awareness to your patterns and making conscious choices, you can break the cycle and move toward a life that feels aligned, empowered, and whole.
Remember: awareness is the first step to transformation.