The Healing Process

I left 2023 and entered 2024 in a way I didn’t expect to. 

Shortly after leaving the human version of a “red flag” behind, I went on Hinge and unpaused my profile. Two days after unpausing my profile, I matched with a man who lives in Brooklyn (two days before his birthday). Shortly after matching, I sent him a message.

For a moment, I thought the conversation was going to go in a different direction from where I wanted it to go. Boy…was I wrong. It went from messaging on the app to texting each other to planning our actual first date. 

First reaction was complete shock because I was communicating to a man who was looking for the same exact thing I was: an actual relationship that would lead to marriage and having a family. 

Nonetheless, we continued to text whenever we could. The weekend before our first date, he told me that he was in Atlantic City for his birthday and he was going to buy something for me. I told him that I didn’t want anything but if wanted to get me something, I would appreciate the gesture and he should surprise me with it when we meet.

A week after communicating, we had our first date in NYC.

Needless to say, we were both nervous and wasn’t catfished. We gave each other a hug, then proceeded to be seated at a table. There were some speechless moments in between conversations, which quickly went away after some food and liquor. 

After we were done eating, he paid for the meals and we proceeded to make our way to see the Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center. As we were on our way there, we held hands and discussed different topics about ourselves. 

When we arrived, we took a few selfies and some with help from someone who noticed us. Shortly after taking photos, we had our first kiss which happened naturally and wasn’t awkward. We ended our first date by him ordering me an Uber home. 

I opened his gift the next day (a small Coach change pouch), and expressed my appreciation of the gesture because it showed me how much he cared about me without even meeting me.

It also showed me the type of man he is and how he shows his appreciation towards me.

Since then, we’ve been on 4 dates between NYC and Jersey City, and will be celebrating our two month anniversary (and early Valentine’s Day) in Atlantic City. 

Now, I’m happy to say that I’m in a relationship where the communication is amazing, intimacy isn’t forced, the interest and dedication is present, the reassurance is clear, and the foundation is getting stronger by the day.

We are now planning and pursuing the things we always wanted to do with a partner, and making sure to do what we need to do so our future will be a lot better than how things are now. 

To think that if I would have passed on him, I would be in a position where I would not be happy in. I am so grateful for him because he loves with his whole heart and shows it, and knows how to keep me happy and loved despite everything we have been through in the past.

Gone are all the times I thought what relationships were because now I’m learning and experiencing what it really is and what it feels like to be in one. 

In the past 5 months, I have learned a valuable lesson about being clear with your intentions and paying attention to red flags when it come to establishing a relationship with a potential partner. 

In July, I matched and interacted with a guy on a dating app. To be clear, I have been on dating apps before so I know how to navigate through them.

As we were chatting back and forth, we each stated our reasons as to why were on the app in the first place. I stated that I was looking to being in a relationship with someone that would lead to marriage and children, and he responded with the same response. We also spoke about potential dates we can go on.

A couple days after we chatted, we decided to meet up. The first meetup consisted of conversations about ourselves, upbringing, our dating history, and what we are looking for in a relationship. After the first initial meetup, we decided to meetup again.

(Red Flag #1:  The first meetup should never be at a person's house, especially early into establishing a potential relationship with them.)

The meetups continued, which consisted of eating/drinking and having sex at his place whenever our schedules aligned. Soon after, I started to notice that I was falling for him at the time but didn't say anything out of fear that I would receive bad karma somewhere down the line...and it did. 

I went to his place one night with food - he supplied the liquor to accompany it. As usual, we sat around striking up conversations and drinking. Then, he asked the question I was too nervous to answer: he asked if I was falling in love with him. I responded saying "yes," and he nodded his head. I flipped the question to him and he provided me with a vague response. I took it for what it was at the time because I felt it was too early for him to give me a honest answer, when we were 2 months into being around each other.

(Red flag #2: if both of you are establishing a relationship, that person should be able to tell you how they feel about you with complete honesty. If they are vague with their answer or try to avoid telling you how they romantically feel about you, respectfully decline to continue communicating with them.)

Time passes, and I randomly bring up opportunities for us to meet up at public places. He would say "ok" with no motivation to actually go through with it, but wouldn't give a second thought to ask me to come over to his place to chill. 

(Red flag #3: if you are constantly suggesting for you and your potential partner to spend time in public, and they're not taking the bait, know and understand that they're not that in into you.)

Soon after, I wrote out how I felt about him and where I could possibly see us in the future, and I sent it to him hoping something positive would come out of it. His response: tone deaf and "stop overthinking this and go with the flow." I quickly regretted sending him what I wrote. In addition to this, he shut down whenever I bring up anything regarding love and relationships.

(Red flag #4: if he turns white as a ghost or looks emotionless whenever you mention the word "love" or anything regarding that comes with the word "relationship", cut things off at where they are and keep it moving)

I got to a point where I was happy with the convenience of being around him, but unhappy with the reality of what was really going on. There I was making goals and plans for the new year with him in mind, and I was nothing but someone's booty call whenever they were lonely and sexually frustrated. At that point, I knew it was time end this arrangement and move on. 

I sent him a message stating how I truly felt about all of this, and wanted to know if he saw us being a couple going into the new year - and we should respectfully go our separate ways if he didn't . The response i received was something I wanted him to say for a long time: he was comfortable with our arrangement and had no plans to be in a relationship with me.

I told him that I understood and respected his response, and I wished him the best with everything and have a happy and safe holiday season. Shortly after I sent that message, I deleted everything out of my phone that associated with him and removed him as a follower on Instagram hoping that was the last I would hear from him. Boy...was I wrong lol. 

He messaged me two more times that day, and messaged me again 2 days later wanting to vent. I responded to him, then realized I made a mistake doing so due to the fact that we chose to end the arrangement and move on. I immediately deleted the message to prevent myself from reaching out to him on impulse.

When I saw that he messaged me the next day with a simple "hello ms amber how r u?," I deleted the message again because of two reasons: (1) he most likely was bored and wanted to talk to someone, and (2) I knew what the conversation would lead to. 

(Red flag #5: if you and the former flame agreed to end a potential relationship or platonic relationship and they message you days later wanting to talk/vent, the former flame is bored and trying to see if you feel differently about the separation and want to rekindle what the two of you walked away from.)

He didn't message me again after that, and I honestly don't want to because I am standing on business when I stated what I wanted, when it comes to my love life and my life as a whole. 

I learned a lot of valuable lessons this year:

• If the vibe doesn't feel right between you and the person and their intentions with you isn't clear, remove yourself and receive better (because you will).
• Don't be afraid to ask the hard questions about them and their past. Doing so will help you in terms of how they will respond to serious questions that require deep conversations later on.
• Always suggest and agree to meet the person in a public setting (restaurant, mall, etc.). If they don't want to, move on and meet someone new. The world is still crazy and bad things happen to good people.
• Pay close attention to their actions more than their words. If they begin to move different after awhile, do the same respectively because time is short and too precious to waste on people.
• If you two are having a good time and it involves drinking alcohol, ask the hard/tough questions while paying attention to what they say because "drunk men tell no lies." People tend to hold back what they think and/feel about someone when they are sober.

Moving forward, I am going to slowly take my time getting to know the person through conversations and public meetups because I know what I want and deserved in my life, as well as the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

My time of being strictly platonic with someone has passed, and I have grown and matured since then. Now, I am focused on my future, my career, and my brand.

If someone comes along with the same intentions as me, and supports me with what I want to do in 2024, then me and that person will go far working together to build a strong relationship and future for each other.