Breaking the Toxic Cycle

So happy I broke this toxic cycle once and for all.

I’ve done this a bunch of times in the past 3-4 years, and ended up losing myself in the midst of it all. I stopped caring about myself mentally and physically because my focus was on a lot of things including establishing a relationship with him. 

I’ve spoken up about what needed to change and not being happy, only to have all of my feelings and words fall on deaf ears. I asked him questions about certain things I think about in relation to him or physically spending time with one another, and he would shut down by barely giving me a response or ignoring the question altogether. 

There were times when I held on because I loved the feeling of being in love with someone emotionally and the fear of being single again. However, the loathing of having the mental and physical attraction we were supposed to have was too hard to ignore.

I fell for his words because we both knew those words would get me to stay. 

He hid me from his loved ones because of past trauma, and I did the same until he was ready to tell them. I was walking around family and friends pretending I was "single as a pringle" when I was actually keeping something (and someone) inside I wanted to tell them about so bad. It was eating me alive and tearing me up inside.

The stress of it all was unbearable, and it ultimately led me to evaluate and question everything.

After I realized this cycle wasn’t serving me by not giving me the peace and love I deserved, I cut all lines of communication immediately and without warning. I blocked and deleted his number, and deleted the messaging app we used from my laptop and my phone.

I did all of this because I knew his lack of communication and attention towards me would offer the opportunity to do everything without him knowing. I also knew what he would say a bunch of lies that would convince me to stay.

I cried as soon as I finished because I finally realized that everything he's been saying to me all these years were all lies, and I was a fool to accept and believe them.

I cried because I always held on to the hope and belief that things were going to get better, and it never did.

I cried because I knew I was never getting what I always wanted...from him.

I cried because I realized that he was never worthy of my love and affection.

I cried because he kept me around for his convenience.

I cried because I had to let go of the memories of how we met.

But most of all, I cried because I faced the fact that he loved the feeling of being in love with me without being forced to show it.

I am worth communicating to.
I am worth someone’s time and attention.
I am worth being happy.
I am worth someone’s respect.
I am worth more than what I was and wasn’t receiving.

I know it will hurt for some time because I am holding myself accountable in some of this, and I understand that this part of my life is gone with no chance of returning.

I am slowly coming to terms with everything but I can now continue living with this toxic cycle behind me while looking ahead to what's next in my life.

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